stuff i learned from other people

Good evening y'all,

It is Sunday evening, July 25, 2010. We are officially 18 days and 17 hours from the wedding. I could not be more ready. There is a lot left to do but it will happen whether we're ready. Honestly, I can say no cold feet and little nervousness. I'm mostly just excited and ready to be relaxing with my new wife in Mexico. The wedding is fun and all, but I think I'm most looking forward to married life-getting back to St. Paul and settling into life together.

There are three weeks of CPE left. I've loved it, but I'm definitely ready to be back to life as normal. The clinical time with patients has been my favorite. Don't get me wrong, the group time and on call has been fine-but the best part is really existing with people as they travel through some life changing times.

Last week we had our "CPE day" with the other advocate health centers. This was definitely one of the academic highlights of the summer. The keynote speaker was the Rev. Dr. Teresa Snorton. She is the director of the national ACPE and bishop of the Christian Methodist Episcopal church. Dr. Snorton spoke beautifully to us about diversity in ministry. During her presentation, I had the opportunity to share my theological traditions with the people at my table. At this, I realized that I owe a lot to denominations other than the ELCA that have had an affect on my worldview. Specifically, I have learned a lot from the anabaptist peace churches and the UUs. There are others that have influenced me, but these are a couple that I have not previously acknowledged. From the first, I have grown into an ethic of nonviolence. From the second I have learned quite a bit.

I attended a UU community for a while in college and was attracted to it for a number of reasons. First, the UUs are held together not necessarily by doctrine or dogma, but by practice and appreciation for the dignity of all peoples. Similarly, I do not believe that we are ultimately judged by intellectual assent to doctrine. Intellectual assent does not ultimately define our stance before our graceful, loving God. Christianity is about more than assent. It is about community and practice. If I were ultimately judged by whether I believed everything perfectly, I would certainly be damned. Second, the UUs have a profound respect for other religions. Third, I experienced radical hospitality from UUs. I felt accepted wholly, simply for who I was. This is the kind of church God desires. Well, you might ask what brought me back to the ELCA? Sin. What I first appreciate about Lutheranism is the reality with which it understands humanity. There is something deeply wrong about humanity. Something that needs redeemed. Lutheranism points to and even emphasizes this. During lent, the congregations confront this communally. In our culture of excess, it is so important to admit that we are broken and sinful, that we participate daily in systems of sin and that there is no way to shake this sin without the help of God. This is the language my spirit speaks.

a midsummer's blah blah

hola y'all!

i've decided, for a change of pace, to write this entry kind of ee cummings style with no capitals. why? because i can. life is good here in the sweltering heat of the swift moving summer. i'm currently at the hospital serving my on call evening. i've really lucked out in a lot of ways with my placement this summer. for example (and yes, this is totally bragging), i don't have over night on calls. instead, we just stay around all day until 11. this is very much appreciated, especially after weeks like the last one. it was quite an emotionally charged one here at the hospital and at home as well. i sat with patients in real desperate and moving situations and got to be present in some really life changing moments. i can't and won't give more detail than that, but i will say that it was as rewarding as it was exhausting. after serving on call last week i simply collapsed into my bed from exhaustion. while i would love to maybe try a year program of chaplain residency, i definitely do not think that i would be cut out for this sort of intense spiritual care as a full time job. well, i guess this is all part of the discernment process.

at home, pippi and i are well into the final throws of wedding planning. it seems to me that there is more and more to do every day. but fortunately i have a level headed fiancee who tells me that we are right on schedule. i like her. i really just wish it was august 16th and we were sitting on the beach enjoying the sun together. soon enough.

in my devotional times, i have been thinking a lot about a short piece of hindu scripture i read in heidi neumark's book breathing space. while i can't recite it here from memory, i can share with you the general gist. it is basically about the strength of motion. that the sturdy, stable tree is brought down, torn from the ground, by rushing waters. life for me, and general life in the hospital seems to be always rushing. this story reminds me that, while i do need to allow rest for myself, God most certainly meets me in the hustle. these rushing waters are blessed. patients often speak about trying to go with the flow. this is especially true on the cvicu floor. while i hope that they do take the time and courage to assert themselves so they make sure their humanity is honored with dignity in this building, i do think that this can be a healthy attitude for a person to have. we move with the currents of life, allowing ourselves the full experience of change, renewal, and loss. in this motion we meet God.

well into summer

Hello all,

Just wanted to write a quick update. The summer is moving along nicely. I am still surprised by how fast it is going. We are already four weeks into the ten week CPE program. This has been a really wonderful experience so far. The group gets along quite well and is every open. It is such a different atmosphere than I am used to in terms of the openness of the group. Still, I really look forward to clinical time the most. This is the time that we get to spend with patients. Every now and again it is clear that the chaplain's presence is not welcome in a room, but mostly I find that people are really quite willing to offer the chaplain hospitality by letting us into their space for a chat. Some patients really want to explore issues of faith and their emotions, but many patients just want someone to talk to. The hospital can be a lonely place for people and I feel so blessed to be in a position to relieve some of that loneliness. I could certainly see myself doing this in a more full time way.

Pippi and I are doing amazing! We just received news that we will indeed get the housing we were hoping for next year. This was really the last thing that was up in the air in terms of planning for next year. It was really exciting news for us! In other news, we've been getting a lot of rsvp cards for the wedding-thank you for that and we've been spending a good amount of time on weekends at her parent's cabin in Wisconsin. All in all, a good summer so far. Here's hoping for more of the same.

making space

thirty spokes share the wheel's hub;

it is the center hole that makes it useful.

shape clay into a vessel;

it is the space within that makes it useful.

cut doors and windows for a room;

it is the holes which make it useful.

therefore profit comes from what is there;

usefulness from what is not there. (Lao Tzu)

I came across this piece from Lao Tzu a couple of months ago as I read Heidi Neumark's Breathing Space. It speaks to the notion that when we empty ourselves of ourselves, we are able to better be used by God for God's mission in the world. Paul reflects upon a similar sentiment in his second letter to the Corinthians: But we have this treasure in clay jars so that it may be made clear that this extraordinary power belongs to God and does not come from us. We are fragile vessels. When we are emptied of our selfish concerns, we can be filled with the ministry that God has for us-and this is our strength, this fortifies our otherwise fragile walls so we can be God's people in the world. This has been an especially helpful reflection for summer CPE. I realize that I bring all of my concerns, prejudices, joys, and sorrows into every patient's room I enter. I am very full of things that can get in the way of really existing with and for the patients. Yet, it is my calling to be empty of myself so I can be filled again with the gospel, which enables me to focus wholly on the patient. For me, this emptying comes about through prayer and meditation. Through these, I feel empowered to focus my thoughts outside of myself. When I am emptied of myself, I can better live in to my calling.

shape clay into a vessel;

it is the center hole that makes it useful.

the beginning of CPE and imago dei

The summer is off and running. This week begins my second week of CPE and my first week of being with patients. It has been a spectacular experience so far and I am sure I will tell you more and more about it as the summer progresses. I have my first on call night on Wednesday and I'm really looking forward to it. Our CPE group has really clicked already. Oddly, it is a group of five guys. That homogeny does not often happen in summer CPE programs. But it works for us and we get on quite well. Tomorrow we have our end of orientation retreat and after that we start full steam ahead! I can't wait to visit regularly with patients. I'll be working primarily on the CVICU floor, so I'll have plenty of long term patients. Pippi and I have been busy wedding planning and I have been adjusting with ease to my new living arrangements with my aunt and uncle. This summer we are worshipping at the church where we'll be married. It's a great place. Much has been accomplished already and I am excited that things are becoming more normal and are settling down around here so that I can share my life with you on this blog more frequently.

A few weeks ago I turned in my final paper for our first systematic theology class, Creation and the Triune God. In it, I reflected upon the doctrine of the image of God from a feminist perspective. The paper itself was not entirely arduous work, but the questions that have arisen since have merited much of my attention. The root of the Image of God is Genesis 1:27:

So God created humankind in his image,

in the image of God he created them;

male and female he created them.

The notion underlying this piece of literature is that humans are special. In some way, we are a reflection of God; we are created in God’s image. This is easy to say, harder to understand. Here are some options for trying to make sense out of this foundational religious belief: humanity could possibly be made physically in God’s image. Humanity could also be in God’s image because of our dominion towards creation. On the other hand, God’s image could be found in our capacity to create. We do “god-like” things like build and create. Or, it could be that God’s image is expressed or reflected in us through our relational nature. We are like God because we are defined by and exist in relationship with others. We reach out in love and receive the same. There is beauty and truth in all of these options (some are more truthful than others. Honestly, I buy the last one more than any others). But I would like to add something more.

God’s image is expressed in us in stories. Remembering is a huge part of being human. Each day is a story, and we tell it like it is. Stories start religions and great social movements. Stories have profound creative powers, and, at times have profound destructive powers. Christianity, Judaism, Islam and all other religions are based upon stories. The civil rights movement used stories to make political change. Nazism spread because it told a good story. Individuals’ minds and hearts are changed by good stories. They are a huge part of our relationship with God. Without the story, there would be no faith in God. All of theology is learning how to tell the story of God’s encounter with humanity effectively and in a way that builds society up. Religion itself is story. Each holiday, each Sunday, each Shabbat, each numinous experience is a story. In the end, the story is the only real thing we have to hold on to. It really matters much more that an effective story is told than if something is objectively true. That is not to say that I do not believe God objectively exists. On the contrary, I very much do. All I am saying is that the story of God is what we encounter in the life of faith. It is what changes us, it is what changes the world. It is what makes us human and it is what makes us special. It is part of what it means to be in the image of God. Let us learn to tell it well.

future sermon

Good morning world. I just whipped up this little piece for my preaching class and kind of dig it. It is a short beginning to a sermon on John 18:1-12. I thought you might like it:

On the night in which he was betrayed, Jesus of Nazareth unabashedly revealed his divine identity. The dark of that night was pierced by lanterns and torches lit by the false light of fear, accusation, and death. The calm of that night was disturbed by the rumble of more than 600 men marching to extinguish the true light of life, the light which does more than merely pierce the darkness, the light which overcomes the darkness, the light which enlightens everyone, the light which is Christ the Lord, Jesus the great “I AM.” In the darkness of this terrible night, amidst the raging shouts of his captors, Jesus identity is unequivocally revealed. Two simple words, “Ego eimi.” I am.

This declaration does not simply convey to Jesus’ captors that they have found the right criminal. The English translation, “I am he,” in response to the question “Whom are you looking for,” is misleading. Jesus’ words as written in the original Greek are none other than the name of God as spoken by God, “Ego eimi,” I AM. No, this declaration is not made to assure the captors that this man is indeed the one for whom they are looking. This declaration is the revelation of Jesus’ identity. It is at the very hour of his betrayal and capture that Jesus identifies himself as God incarnate. His identity is not made fully clear in front of a crowd of adoring fans, after a great sermon to his disciples, or in the middle of a healing or sign. Rather, Jesus reveals that he is God in the dark of night, in the hour of uncertainty and fear, and to a crowd of captors amongst whom stands his very betrayer. The crowd to whom Jesus reveals his identity is not a friendly one. The narrator has told us in verse 3 that they are coming with weapons, and she makes clear the fact that Judas was among them (v. 5). Yet, this group of captors and Judas seems to react appropriately as they fall to the ground in response to Jesus’ proclamation. It is almost as if they are caught in awe by these words and Jesus must remind them of what they must do in verses 7-8.

It is to his captors and the one who would betray him that Jesus reveals his divine identity. So today, Jesus reveals his divine identity to an imperfect people. A people often guided more by fear, mob mentality, and uncertainty than by the light of life. This does not occur in some glorious hour but in the dark of night amidst the chaos of mob rule and in the hour of his sealed fate. So today, Jesus is revealed in the frailty and chaos of our human experience. On the night in which he was betrayed Jesus unabashedly proclaimed, “Ego eimi,” I AM.

holy uncertainty

This is a bonus post since I've been away for so long.

In the last year I've had to make a significant number of choices and decide how to respond to God's call in a number of ways. This constant discernment process, which I am sure I'll never leave, has granted me much occasion to reflect upon certainty. More than anything else in the past year I've wanted to be certain of everything. Here's a sample of what I'm talking about: I've wanted (and still want) to be certain about stuff in my personal life like where to go to seminary, whether Pippi and I are making the right choice in getting married at this point, choosing the right classes, joining the right justice organizations. I want certainty in bigger vocational questions like whether I'm called to ministry that especially focuses on urban ministry, emergent church, justice and social work, new testament studies and a subsequent professorship, or all of these, and if all of these then what in the world does that look like? Should I do CPE where I am? Should I join the CML cohort? I want certainty in huge theological questions like what faith means, what the role of justice is in salvation and what salvation is, how God relates to us. Can we know God's metaphysical attributes? Who cares about the Trinity? What in the world happened on the cross and why does it matter? These questions are NOT easily cleared up upon consultation of Scripture, tradition, reason, or church teaching.

In short, and I think if you have made it this far in the post this will be obvious, I spend a lot of time being uncertain. And I'm willing to bet that I'm not alone. Think about it. What can you say about your life with 100% certainty? I've thought about this a lot lately.

Then

Recently

It HIT me-

It is here that I most often meet God. In my frailty and my uncertainty God is most clearly witnessed to. It is in this state of uncertainty that I am reminded of the vainity, the absurdity, and the transient nature of life of which Qoheleth writes in Ecclesiastes. It is because I am not certain about anything that I trust, have faith in God. This place of uncertainty, where I question my very existence and God's very existence is holy ground. I meet the God who welcomes questioning and who takes me seriously enough to listen to my questions and respond in a diverse number of ways from aha moments to suggestions from friends to God's very Word.

This is spectacularly witnessed in the call of Moses. Moses is on holy ground and Moses is uncertain. The unlikely liberator has shown a passion for justice and God's imagined future by the time of his call in the Exodus narrative. But by the time the call rolls around, he is uncertain about so much: whether God has the right person, whether the Hebrews or Pharaoh will listen to him, whether God's future will ever be a reality. In his uncertainty he questions and God takes his questions seriously. As my Pentateuch teacher points out, "God will move with Moses, even adapting original divine plans in view of Moses' considerations. God's way into the future is thus not directed solely by the divine word and will (Fretheim, Exodus, 53)." Moses is uncertain. God meets him in this uncertainty and even changes God's own mind for the human agent. Our uncertainty is not something to flee from but something to embrace. We are called to struggle with God and our uncertainty is occasion to do so. God has blessed us with this discomfort so that we can meet and grow in relationship with God. Uncertainty is truly holy.